Vulneratur non vincitur

 Some days Life seems too bleak & draining to continue.

Today is one of these days.

I'm starting to confuse myself. Have I always been in love with a certain person, or just the idea of love itself? I could have done everything and anything, in the name of love. So to which am I really honouring? My partner or Love itself?

Could I blame PMS for the sudden influx of emotions, or is it really time to visit a therapist?

I stayed at home all day to watch Big Bang Theory, snack non-stop & paint my nails. Feels nice to be busy with nothing.

P/S I also learnt a new term today: Weltschmerz.

I have always looked at the world a little differently. Slightly too cynical and critical. I have always imagined that perfection/idealism is achievable. When the outcome is what I have expected but not wished, I don't know which is more difficult or more wrong – do I blame others or myself?

The last few weeks have been me trying to break free of my line of sight. Try to see things in another perspective. I can't expect someone to meet my ideals, & I cannot lose faith when I find that they fail.

Life. This is just life.

I figured I shouldn't get lost in someone. That is not the way to fall in love. I want someone who would get lost with me. I need to surround myself in beautiful things again. Things I can carry around in my heart. Things that aren't tangible. Things I could forever feel. Things I won't feel that I would ever lose. & it will be nice if I had some company who would enjoy the journey like I would.

 I can safely say that the hardest thing I’ve ever done was break up with her. Insert joke about it being better to have “loved and lost”; insert heartfelt, nauseatingly optimistic assertion that “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. Now cross them out and try looking your mistakes in the face. Embrace them, thank them, and love them in the way you never loved your ex-girlfriend. While you still have that love inside you it’s obvious that no one has received it.

(source)